weatherfield blog archive

week 26: dnf

trying to capture that lo-fi mountain goats stream-of-consciousness feeling, i talk about those addictions that don't yet feel all-consuming, but you know they're going to turn into something worse. you can't admit you have a problem, because it doesn't feel as bad as others, or because you don't see it as harmful yet. it's an admissal of defeat rather than a first step.

week 25: isaiah 45:3

i'm really obsessed with the bible, as a work of art from the greatest Artist of all. i feel like there's something unique to be drawn from every word, line, and letter. this is about the divine hidden in the unseen, the blessings in the darkness, as i wrote in my journal on one particularly difficult evening (the evenings are always hardest, i don't want to sleep because i don't want to wake up), entitled 'A REVELATION': 'i just had a seemingly obvious realisation. yes, i may be doomed to relapse. + if the periods in between are just moments where everything seems ok, the best i can do is prolong these moments. drinking once a week is better than twice a week. + once a month is even better. if i'm always going to have dark partches, i just have to focus on getting through them + trying my best to find the good in it. i do believe that everything happens for a reason, and i do believe that it's my duty to find the blessings in the darkness - the small sparks of the Divine in things that feel empty. i've always had to struggle despite being blessed - in a way we all have to wrestle our own angels. but none of this would be possible without some deeper meaning behind it all. i don't know if i've found my purpose, but i'm definitely destined for something more than self-sabotage. i just have to keep moving upwards.'

week 24: tony watt

this is a song that's been in the vault for ages, and i eventually decided that it sounds alright just as is. it's about the winning goal scored by tony watt in celtic's match against barcelona in the champions' league group stages. he was an 18-year old acquired for 500k from airdrie, coming off the bench and scoring. this song, in a wider context, is about the sense of destiny, doing one incredible thing against all odds that you were meant to do. searching for something that gives you the opportunity to make a name for yourself. i guess that's what all this music is about too - struggling along with hopes that one day you'll do something that impressive.

week 23: puppet master

i'm writing this after going to (one of, if not the only) best soundcloud underground rap scene club nights in london. when i was there, i experienced this real sense of awe and wonder looking at a strobe light with smoke and dust passing through it, and a real sense of love for all the people around me, all the close friends and long-lost acquaintances that dapped me up, and all the artists themselves making an insane atmosphere, a perfect return to shows after a 3-month absence that left me covered in cold brew coffee, red stripe, water, and blood. everyone there, to an outsider, would sound at least to some extent like bladee. and despite having listened to him for years now and tiring out his catalogue, i always find something new and inspiring, something that didn't quite occur to me before in the same way. this cover was very frustrating to record and i was in a very difficult place when i started it, and a very different one when i finished it - reflected very poignantly in the line 'i had ups and downs, but it's falling into place' and the rest of the chorus. one of my friends who i perhaps unfairly attribute 'saving my life' to once again helped to lift me up out of a very dark time - a friend who i only met because of bladee - 'i had almost drowned, if i didn't fuck with that drain'. i found faith in God, and music, and friendship, that carried me through and continues to do so, and the amount of parallels i can draw between the lyrics of this song and my own life are innumerable. it's an incredible thing to feel truly understood by a work of art and i only hope that my rendition of it could even do half as much justice as it deserves.

week 22: toy

i fell behind. the reason i've been able to keep up with this for so long is my relentless addictive personality, which is a blessing and a curse - and i use this phrasing because much like a certain mr. west i see my mental illness as a gift from God. i wrote this song drunk, even though i don't drink anymore. the temptation of the soop got to me and this was the product. i tried recording which sent me spiralling, buying a new mic in a manic haze which thankfully led to a greater recording quality and me teaching myself how to use an eq (thanks to the advice of my incredibly gifted, considerate, and patient friends) and eventually i got here. i get addicted to almost everything in my life - food, drink, painting, music, design, football manager, working out, prayer. i just have to use it to some kind of benefit - utilise the raw passion and energy that swells up inside of me. when i had an obsessive infatuation with one of my friends, i told myself to keep it burning inside. use the emotion to write, and never stop writing. just write to yourself, never say anything. because when i say things, that's when things go wrong, i need to process them myself first before telling anyone else. that's why social media is so bad for me, it feels like writing to no-one but i'm affecting the people around me. this is a song about treating yourself like you're evil, like you're a bad person, something i've really been struggling with recently. it's hard, once you've admitted your flaws, to find anything good about yourself sometimes. you don't want to ask for reassurance but you don't know what else to do - and making people tell you you're a good person just makes you feel like a worse person. this song is a manifestation of my ongoing, mostly failed, attempts at channeling destruction into creation, building out of the ashes. i'm reading a book on rd laing and some psychiatrists critical of his approach noted the difference between psychedelic and psychotic experiences - i feel a lot of the time i'm misinterpreting myself in a similar way, hating myself for not seeing the good in what is purely unhealthy, and obsessed with building a healthy state out of scraps and nothingness. oh well, play the cards that i'm given.

week 21: uncalled for

i had major surgery on the 25th of may! this is the first song of my convalescent period, which has taught me many things about myself, above all that i'm not remotely lazy. although i enjoy and value resting and taking it easy, being creative is such an important thing to me. i've overcome the first few days of pain after the anaesthetic wore off and the haze of opiates that followed, and despite feeling mostly normal and happy, i have to remember i'm still in that liminal space between feeling totally inept and a full recovery. it's difficult to treat yourself like you're weak when you don't feel weak, which i suppose is a good thing in most scenarios, but the risk of overexerting myself is a very real and dangerous risk that i don't think i've fullygrasped. but other than the twinging pain in my chest that tells me i probably shouldn't have lifted my omnichord onto my lap alone to write this song, i feel very pleased about how much i've healed so far, both mentally and physically from such a huge milestone in my life. i feel very confident now, i know the benefits of manual lymphatic drainage, and my faith is closer to me than ever before. i hope i can continue to document my recovery in this artistic form like i do everything else in my life. i've been comparing myself to the likes of arthur russell, which i know is somewhat insensitive and vastly different, but the artist's spirit prevails through all forms of physical, mental, and spiritual weakness, as all my artistic heroes attest to.

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